As a mindset coach (and reformed perfectionist), I want to explain to you why this trait isn’t quite what you think it is. I also want you to know that this is an important issue to consider with your child as they grow up (and with yourself!).
There’s actually a lot of spin put on the word ‘perfectionist’. Most people see it as something to be proud of. I’m not suggesting that it’s wrong to take pride in what you do. This goes one step further than that, hear me out!
So a bit about me. As a child I was shy. I was plagued by this constant feeling that others were observing me and judging me. I also developed this limiting belief that I was in some way defective and not good enough. Despite having so much going for me, this feeling stayed with me.
To escape the fear of not being good enough, I worked hard to be perfect. This applied to many areas of my life; I put constant pressure on myself to prove that I WAS good enough. Let me tell you that being this way makes life so much harder! I would often overlook many of my achievements and successes, because I was focussed on what wasn’t going so well, or what I thought could or should be better. I didn’t allow myself to be human and gave my self such a hard time for my flaws. No one knew my inner struggles growing up.
This lay the foundation for 32 years of low self-esteem, depression and social anxiety. I suffered quite silently and became skilled at covering it up. Of course I could never let anyone see that I was flawed in such a way!
I wish I knew back then that I was simply human.
Perfectionism is just a bad habit! It’s this ridiculous pressure that you put on yourself because you’re running away from the fear that you’re not acceptable as you are.
It was only in my adult years that I sought help
…it literally transformed my life. I not only figured out how to get over all of my ‘issues’, but I also learnt how to become the best possible version of myself. It literally turned my life around. I ditched the perfectionism and inner-bitch. I also built my self-esteem to new levels.
If only I'd been given these insights as a child!
I knew that I had to help others apply the same tools so I went on to train and set up a very successful business as a Mindset Coach.
How to support children who display perfectionism
…encourage them to challenge this. If they smudge their homework and start trying to rub out every trace, urge them to let it go. If they’re upset because they didn’t get a high enough mark for their art project, help them to see that it’s not a big deal. That there’s no expectation on them to be getting perfect scores. If they’re deeply upset because their lego creation didn’t come out as planned, help them to see that life’s like that; sometimes we don’t quite get things right and that’s part of being human.
Be careful of how much you’re expecting of them too.
Of course, your child needs to know that it’s good to take pride in what they do. But if they’re running away from a FEAR of not being good enough and setting unrealistic standards for themselves, you need to switch their focus to GOOD ENOUGH. Their happiness depends on it.
This applies to you too! Whatever expectations you’re putting on yourself as a parent, think about ways in which these may be unrealistic. Think about how high you’re setting that bar and how can you bring it down a little bit. Are you allowing yourself to be human? Do you need to stop giving yourself such a hard time?
I’m loving my positively imperfect life and am a far cry from the self-berating person that I used to be. I want this for you and your child too!
Let’s get our kids and ourselves flourishing! Please don’t hesitate to get in touch via my contacts page if you have any questions or are looking for some support with your parenting.
Supporting you all the way,
Sarah :-)