Why we need to support our more introverted children.
“STOP CALLING ME SHY!” I used to feel this way all the time as a child. I remember in Brownies back in the 1980’s (Girl Guides/ Girl Scouts if you’re not in the UK!) someone would be chosen to receive a trophy, which they’d take home for the week. They’d be picked for random reasons like ‘shiniest shoes’, or ‘best singing’.
Anyway, one week I was picked to have the trophy for ‘being the shyest’! I wanted the ground to swallow me up when I was put in the spotlight for what I believed was a defect of mine! I felt SO ashamed that I went home and told my family it was for pulling the funniest face! That was the person that I thought I SHOULD be. The funny, confident one, rather than the quiet one stuck in her shell.
There’s nothing worse
There’s nothing worse as a child who experiences shyness, than for people to bring attention to it all the time. Some children are born with more sensitive temperaments, meaning that they’re wired with a need to pause and check-out their environment. Whilst others are born more inclined to boldly jump into new situations head first, without any prior analysis.
For those children with a quieter temperament, who like to pause and check, it’s all too easy for them to be labelled as ‘shy’. If this is reinforced enough times, it can be self-fulfilling. Therefore, the child’s shyness becomes a direct result of them expecting and imagining themselves to be this way.
They can then go on to feel like people are constantly observing and judging them. This lays unhelpful groundwork for potential social anxiety as they grow up.
This can absolutely be prevented, however. I’m not saying that having a quieter and more sensitive temperament is a problem, because it’s not. In fact, it’s a quality I now value very highly in myself. It’s the labelling and interpretation of it that’s the problem.
The most important thing you can do
The most important thing you can do is help them to see that they FEEL shy, rather than they ARE shy. There’s a big difference. They need to know that it’s OK to feel shy and that they’re not being judged for it. It’s just one of many feelings that makes them human. Don’t make it a big deal and if you can sense they’re experiencing shyness in a situation, just very warmly ask them how they’re feeling. Encourage them to talk openly about it and to see that it’s normal to feel that way. Reassure them that you love them just the way they are and that you will work together to help them feel more comfortable.
BUT WILL THEY BE STUCK THIS WAY?
No! You can absolutely nurture and support your child in a way that builds them up to feel more comfortable and confident. Whilst their temperament may always be one that’s more on the introverted or sensitive side, this does not mean that they will forever be shy. I’m living proof of that! You can be confident AND quieter in nature. It’s very important that your child views their experiences of shyness as something they can change.
Get in touch if you’d like to discuss working together so that your child can step into their most authentically confident and empowered selves. It’s time for them to SHINE!
Supporting you all the way,
Sarah